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Wednesday, March 5, 2008

I Guess We All Can't Be Friends Forever.

I figured there were enough words in the last post to last a while.


love,
J.Du

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Sunday, February 24, 2008

Already Better Said

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Sunday, February 17, 2008

Shades of Gold and Gray


In the past 72 hours i have been on the road at least 24 hours.
The Hale wedding is complete... It was probably one of the most fun wedding to be in, as well as to witness. From the Gospel Choir singing in the bride, to the cake catching at the reception. Or us weirdo Kansas City kids trying to get people on the dance floor by embarrassing ourselves to the iTunes playlist Aaron constructed. Nachos, Wheat, Beautiful Texans, lots of trucks, and sparklers...
Aaron's family was amazing, and their house was a taxidermy wonderland. I forgot my aliments for the weekend and bonded with a ton of nice people... i don't regret the drive at all.
Even love is better in Texas... Congratulations Heather and Aaron Hale. (Insert generic statement about how wonderful you are and how happy i am for you, because i have run out of words to describe.) Hurry back from that honeymoon.

Under the Honeymoon,
Josh

PS. Yes, i wore my dunks to the reception... they were a hit.

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Wednesday, December 19, 2007

December Brings...


This is probably the coolest deck of cards you will ever see. Thanks to Laura. Also, thanks to Laura, i had a great night tonight.

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Sunday, December 16, 2007

Damn These Awkward Hands

This was the most interesting weekend i have had in a while. Definitely in a good way.

Saturday was covered in snow. I just wish i had taken some pictures because judging by the forecast, by the end of the say tomorrow the snow and ice will only be a memory. I did manage to get out Saturday night, and it was WELL worth my time.

Sunday, today, was basically how it was meant to be, based around religion. After church this morning, we made a quick stop at Bo-Lings for lunch, and then off to more church. People see black churches on TV and in the movies, but who actually gets to experience it. I went and loved it. It was surreal. Entering the church service at 3 in the afternoon, this is what happened;
sat through 3 rappers,
2 def-poets,
2 amateur singers,
a dance troop,
a mime,
sang in 3 gospel congregation worships (one of which included the whole church holding hands),
all the while being one of six total white people,
getting out 3 hours later, and had their hands hurt and voice scratchy afterwards.
How many people can say they have done the same? If you haven't before, you should try it. Besides the fact of it being long, and draining, it was amazing.
After that, Heather, Aaron and I headed to meet up with some new friends to make gingerbread houses. Despite the fact that mine was an ugly mess, it was the perfect way to cap off a day. I had enough fun to last me a lifetime. Pictures to follow.

I really liked who i was this weekend.

This Friday, I will be making my long trek home. 17 hours. Me, my friend Emily, energy drinks, an iPod full of music to sing too, and plenty of conversation. I'm excited to be home.

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Thursday, November 29, 2007

Life's Waltz

Blogging has been a struggle. Even now, I am not finding much reason to post. Let me set the scene for you; the apartment is cool, slightly dusty and well lit. The only decorations i have up are one strand of lights along the top of my sliding doors. No trees, no wreaths, no well-dressed dogs (though i wish this wasn't the case). The TV is on in the other room with the volume up just loud enough for me to hear from the most cluttered room of my apartment where i sit. The computer i am typing on is brand new and finally running well, yet sits upon a rickety particle-board desk. It now has the essential programs of CS3, but i am unmotivated to use them just yet. The only thing running other than this browser, is AIM, and a download. I feel groggy and congested, with a slight head-ache, but somehow i can't bring myself to go to bed. So i type. Despite all of this, which, may or may not sound grim to you, I did something today that made me feel excellent. And lately, my cheeks hurt from smiling so much. I go out more often now, and when i am not out, i am content with my place on the couch. The fact of the matter is, I find it hard to sit down and post when things are going really well. Really, thats when i should feel most compelled to write, but frankly it's just the opposite. But I am great. Things could always be better, but i certainly can't complain.

After I have bored you to death with all of that rambling, a couple things:
- within the next week or so I am going to set up a Flickr account and fill it with pictures.
- as soon as my sister gets back to me, a splash page should be online and running.
- i will be making more shirt designs for threadless (many with the help of Aaron Guillermo Hale).
- will be making a christmas card to send out.
- and a little secret that i care not to share just yet.

What i have been doing:
- i met Richard Quest.
- lots of downloading.
- eating lots of Chik-fil-a with Lindsay.
- a little secret that i care not to share just yet.
- Playing Halo 3, Assassins Creed, and Super Mario Galaxy.

the Soulsavers - Revival. Beautiful song. Go ahead give it a listen.

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Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Dark Parts


Vader in Love.


So, as most of you have undoubtedly heard the Writer Guild is on strike, putting a end to topical humor on TV for a while, and a hold to many of our beloved scripted TV shows and movies. You can't blame the writers for going on strike, but their contracts couldn't have run out at any worse of a time. TV will be taking the biggest hit, where new coming shows, such as Chuck... and... well others that just started, have no chance of taking off because of a prolonged break in their season. My biggest concern is LOST. They have filmed 8 of 16 episodes and the show comes on in February (more likely late February now). The shows producers are concerned that viewers will be frustrated at the 8 show breaking point, where as there is a rather large cliffhanger planned, and seemed to allude that thats where the season really gets good. In other words.... don't expect LOST to be on until 2009 unless the strike ends soon. Maybe i will read a book...








...I know, yeah right. Thats just silly. HA, books...

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Monday, October 22, 2007

No Help for the Bitter

(image stolen from Heather's Facebook,
sorry i have none of my own)


It was an interesting weekend. There isn't really a whole lot to document all of what went on, except a few bad cellphone camera images. A theme was kind of set around the fact that my friends Heather and Aaron got ENGAGED on Saturday. I did my part by setting up a small picnic for them with John, while their friend Ashley set up a dinner. Heather's friends and family from here and from back in Lubbock, made the effort to be there for her. The evening was full of conversation, italian food and achohol (which surpisingly, i had none of). Of course, none of the conversation swayed very far away from relationships, love, and marrage, which I couldn't care less about commitment right now. Of course, in my bitterness, I counted the married couples. Five (six if you count the newly engaged) couples. Thats about half of the attendees. You know though, it's nice to see others happy. To have conversations about "meet cute's" and happy accidents, and about family, instead of the normal bitter, hateful conversations I have. Sadly, I relate more to the hate.

The rest of the weekend was:
Friday, i played Halo and drank until it was about 10:30 and then i watched 28 Weeks Later.
Sunday, I did laundry in a broken dryer, took Heathers brother Zach and his wife around the city, saw The Darjeeling Limited, and the Illustionist.
all the movies were good. i will try and put up some reviews later.


All of this aside, I am extremely happy for both Aaron and Heather because i know that this is what they both wanted very much... so "Congratuations Kids!"

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Friday, October 5, 2007

Dear Whoever's Still Listening

I got this Wednesday after exiting the gym.
Dear Secret Admirer,
This note was slightly creepy, however I am still flattered. Thank you.
-Josh
PS. You have lovely handwriting.

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Monday, October 1, 2007

Envy for the Witch and the Beast.

The last couple of days, until today, i was forced to take a break from Halo 3. As for the rest of the world, they didn't forget. Above is a statue at Harvard, thanks to some pranksters from MIT, it looks better this way. (thanks to Josh and Nick for the correction)

Last night, i went out to dinner and a movie with a girl. It sounds like a date, and I thought it was a date, but i might have been the only one. Her name is Jaeeun, and she is Korean, so the two of use caught Dragon War, a Korean movie, and sushi for a late dinner. Steriotype? Yeah, maybe, I think it's safe to say that we both had a really good time though.

I feel as if the theme of this weekend was getting to know people better. Whether i liked it or not, or wanted to or not, i did. I have 6 months to figure out what to do with my life.

I just wish i could find the affection i long for. This weekend was an emotional roller coaster and i would like to end it now with some sleep. I guess it's officially October now, maybe this month will be different.

"and it's a shame to walk away from everything i know, and everything i want."

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Thursday, September 27, 2007

By Way of Windshield Notes

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Saturday, August 25, 2007

The Rest of the Story.

i'm sitting here and i can hardly feel my limbs. I feel as if i'm floating in place. Even my head is heavy on my neck. And as much as this sounds like a pleasant experience, i feel like i am the scum of the earth. Like life is just fucking with me. I looked at the clock a moment ago, and it was 11:11 again. I gave up on wishing long ago, because none of it ever comes true.



...I nodded off for a while...

*Edit
Last night, while drunk, i wrote some things that i probably shouldn't have. I kept to as little detail as possible with exactly how i felt, but when if comes down to it, i still may have said too much. I didn't sleep well at all last night, worry about what i said, and what might have been going on outside of these four walls. To summarize what has happened in the last few days is actually very simple: I was bummed out because living out here just got harder, so i had a little to much to drink, and i drank my problems away. And if any of you know me, that's really not how i do things. The reality of it is it actually made me feel worse and i became a sniveling girl. There are some things i need to clear up in my head by either working them out on my own or talking to the appropriate people. I don't want to keep waking up mornings with bedfellows that will plague me the rest of the day. I need to use what has happened to me and allow it to make me a better person. It's either do or die this time. Lets hope not literally.

-Josh

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Thursday, August 16, 2007

Free King

For the last five days or so, it has been surpassing 100 degrees here in Missouri. The days seem short, but the weeks seem long. I guess thats how summer moves...

I find it funny how, relatively speaking, things never really stay "good" for me. And I guess the same can be said for my "bad" times. I am the type of person that learns to cope, adjust and deal with what i have been dealt. Same can be said for almost everyone, I suppose. We all get used to our surroundings, and habits, and mindsets, until something comes along that messes with it. Whether it's bad or good, and the severity, determines that amount of time it would take you to adjust. Also, if you are trying to adjust to something that has brought you down, and you are on a slow upward battle to get back to "normal", little glitches in your so called "normal" seem so much bigger. Is my real problem that i have to be "better than normal" to be happy? When you taste happiness do you ever really want to go back to just "OK"? So, when "happiness" becomes your normal, then you reach for the next level of happiness. It's either that or, like me, something changes and you are back to where you began. All of the best things i can think of that happen to me, are soon taken away. If i would look at my life as a graph and my starting point for happiness were 0, you would find that I would pretty well even out back to 0 (most likely a little bit below). I guess thats not too bad, but it would be nice to be above the keel for once.

When you are angry on a cell phone, you can't quiet convey it the same way as when you have a phone with a receiver. You can't quiet flip the phone closed hard, or push the button angrily; sometimes you just wanna slam that shit out of that phone down on the hook. Down fall of technology.

Things I've learned about having a dog (Part Three):
- you never have to worry about picking up any food you have dropped.
- you get a lot of extra exercise.

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Saturday, July 21, 2007

Things Will Never Be The Way We Expect Them

I went to a wedding reception tonight for my friends Beau and Em. They actually looked really great. Em in her dress and Beau in his tux. And for a brief moment, I could see myself in their shoes. Then, i came to a realization; obviously, I'm pretty unbearable, and will never be in their position. The night ended a little earlier than i would have liked, hence the reason I writing this post before even 11 o'clock, half drunk, on a Saturday night. Now that I am home, alone, i am in the final stages of being drunk. The one were you stop having a good time and you start letting your mind think too much. The stage right before bed. I made some disappointing choices on my part tonight. One, was talking to women that are taken... who knows, maybe both of the decisions were that. If you don't know what i mean by that... then too bad.

This is the track listing for Em and Beau:

Everyone else can enjoy the mix if they wish as well.

Maybe i'll sketch in bed until i pass out.

Congrats guys! Girls suck, but i give credit to anyone who can find the right person to get married to.

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Saturday, June 16, 2007

Civil Arguement.

i felt as if i needed deserved an icey spirit lifter after a small feud Green and i had earlier. She brought me some nice baked goods and i ruined it by bringing up how upset i had been the past couple days. Last night i had made it a point to tell Green just how i was feeling because i had hoped it helped. But just as if we were still going out, she came back with something i had said to make her feel bad, and all of a sudden, i lost my own fight. gah. I can't do anything in my favor. So back to cleaning up the place, drinking my "shushy" and trying to see if i can spy the hot chic that lives next across the way. Garth will be here at 6 and we are going to talk over dinner.

also thanks to Kerchner (yeah another Heather, ha) for reading too.

anyone else who reads still let me know so i can thank you too.

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Friday, June 15, 2007

Visitor

Kelly is my cubical neighbor. Kelly is like an older me. He enjoys anime, punk-rock music, lonely lunches, and hopeless romances. He recently found a girl that he really liked. He also recently lost that girl. I never really talk about the people at work, but this morning i felt compelled because he had mentioned how he had just broke up with his girlfriend... on his birthday. It struck a nerve in me, and i realized i was staring at myself. He is secretly all broken up about it, but he wasn't really letting the world know how much, especially his newly-made-ex-girlfriend. He went out of his way to make he happy and then one day he felt it was over even before it happened. Now we both sit here at work unhappy with our current persona.

Work is empty today. Everyone has something more interesting to do than sit in a sad little cubical and stare blankly at a computer screen. Research. Vacation. Whatever your poison. So, I believe, seperately, we are going to take off early today.

There is something about Postal Service that is very comforting and depressing at the same time. If you are thinking USPS... then you should possibly stop reading my blog.

Trivia night was a lot of fun. I felt good being able to at least assist with crap 90's music trivia. Who knew actually listening to Wheetus, Harvey Danger, and LEN would help. Napster and I were good friends back then. I learned that I didn't know my Care Bears as well as i thought. I also learned that i have other friends out in KC. I hope they feel the same.

Maybe I will post some Illustrations later.

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Thursday, June 14, 2007

My Plastic You - the Stryder



Action Figures. I am sitting here falling asleep, so burnt out from last night, looking at action figures for a card.

A lot happened last night, both on a physical level and an emotional level. I am not going to go into detail because i feel like besides the fact that no one reads this boring blog anyhow, it's not helping that the posts are so long. But last night we (as in Green, Riley, Bob, and Lauren) got free ice cream (custard really), i got to see Riley (whom i miss greatly), and even Riley got a small cone. The conversation made for an interesting night. I road my bike home after 11 last night, which made me tired physically. I got a great amount of exercise yesterday, i walked around all day researching, then went to the gym, and of course the bike ride, but i am really feeling it today. Things are going to change for me really soon. I can feel it. Trivia tonight, with some more work folk.

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Sunday, June 10, 2007

Give Up, and Get Over It

When I moved out here I made the decision that I would give up my old life and start a-new. It's pretty easy to start over when you have nothing to remind you of your past. Not only that, when there is nothing terrible to leave behind, no bad memories, you have nothing to forget. A break up is different. The person is always there to remind you, if it's not the person, it's a thing, a place, a time. Next Monday, I would have been with Heather for 6 months. I guess I should be lucky it made it as long as it did. This Monday, will be a week from the time we broke up. I am making up my mind to move on, to get over it. Heather is putting forth good effort into keeping friends. She made me treats, she attempted to hang out, I am just being difficult. I guess in our history, though in a different context, this has happened before. I turned her down when she said she liked me, and i tried to stay friends with her. I can't be selfish here. Through all we had been through, i thought we might be meant for each other. However, i guess it never really was meant to be...

I wish i had something else to talk about. but i don't so deal with it. come back later when i have something less... bitchy

















the story goes on.... for now.

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Computers Don't Talk Back

I feel like this is who i talk to when i'm upset now... everyone. this is really the wrong place for it, but i feel at easy just typing out my emotions here. it's probably best i just keep this page "design oriented". Yet, sadly, i think that will be a feet. I'll post later... going to the gym always give me a good hour to sort through problems.

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Saturday, June 9, 2007

The Secrets We Keep to Protect the Ones We Love

One thing that i really love, is hearing about new music. Even if the song is terrible i still love being the first to hear it. A couple of track that i have recently come across that deserve recognition are:
The Noisettes, a band i hadn't heard of until this point, have a song called The Count of Monte Christo. It's a catchy blue-grassy, toe-tapper... but don't take my word for it.
Along the same lines is the new Paul McCartney song, "Dance Tonight". If you get the chance, see the music video featuring Natalie Portman, directed by the same guy who did "eternal sunshine for the spotless mind".
Lupe Fiasco, Kanye West, Pharrell's combine effort "CRS" single dropped called Us Placers is HOT!
Lastly in music, is the playlist for Heather's Last CD. I'm not even sure why i still gave it to her... i is kinda "lovey" for post-break-up. It's a good mix though, you should check out all the tracks.

THIS BREAK-UP IS DRIVING ME MAD!


Ok, at first i was in a state of shock, and comfort for heather because she was crying. As time went by things changed. It's like going through the steps of losing a loved one or whatever. After Tuesday rolled around it had sorta set in that i wasn't going to go see her that night for TV or movies like we would normally do. I, like an obvious idiot made the attempt to made it easy on Heather and tell her good friends to take good care of her because she was going to need someone to hang out with more then ever. Who knew that less than a week later this would already have back fired in my face and made life even harder. THEN came Wednesday, and Heather and I had briefly spoke through e-mails, one of which concerning the movies we had rented and never watched before the break-up. I made the offering to her to come to my house to watch the movie, as well as bring Heather Garth along (to help keep the get-together less awkward). Garth and i talked that night about the situation. I am not one for confiding my feelings in others, i naively post them online for all to read or i bottle them up. I am just better at typing up my feelings.
... i am so upset i am shaking...
continuing on... when Garth and i talked we made loose plans to do breakfast on Saturday "for sure". You know, to keep us all friends. Obviously, that didn't work. Thursday came, and we watched the movie. The movie, "American Haunting", was not so good, don't rent it. The encounter was awkward. I couldn't bring myself to make eye contact with Heather. I later found out it's because i am slightly bitter about the break up. Heather did however bake me delicious strawberry tarts. Friday was just as bad. Bob and I were going out to lunch when we sawn Erin and Heather eating together. Erin saw me and gave a wave making me feel like if i didn't sit with them then i would be the bad guy. Lunch sucked. Friday night was excellent. Immediately after someone asked me if I would like to go Mini golfing i said yes. It was a blast. I had so much fun. Jaybo, Patti, Merkle, Cecilia, Melissa were the posse. The Heather's could have been part of it but they never showed up at happy hour. I don't think i would have had nearly as much fun if heather was there though. But several times though-out the night i did sit back and think about her. Melissa, the super hot, 32 year old, asian woman, made the night much more bearable. Only to come home to an empty bed. Today, i woke up hoping for that breakfast i was promised and i didn't get a response until after 11. Thats OK because typically we don't go until later anyhow, but Garth wasn't interested in breakfast today. She suggested dinner. Now, i was looking forward to breakfast, but i was satisfied with dinner. No plans were made, just loose ones again, stating the fact that instead of our friendly breakfast we were to have a friendly dinner. Grant it i did miss her call the first time, and then i called her back about 15/20 minutes later, and then she called me back around 5:45 or 6. By this time, according to the following plans she would be pressed for time to go to dinner. Now i would have been upset enough that she couldn't go to dinner, but i found that it was because she was going to a movie with Heather, i was slightly more upset. It must be terrible for Garth to be suck in the middle like this, trying not to choose sides... but maybe unwilling to her, she already has. I don't know why we couldn't all get along. but that wasn't for me to find out. now i sit in my apartment making it look better so maybe i can attract more ladies in because obviously, it's not going to work out for Heather and I.

While at WalMart i was reminded of all the things that used to make Heather and I happy. I was able to think of all the good times, as usual. Heather wasn't able to do that. She made it a point to bring up the big fight we had saturday and sunday night. She was taken down by one weekends time. YET, I put up with 6 months of on-again-off-again sex, friendship, and fighting, for the few good times i can remember from all the things i see everywhere. When you are the dumpee everything is harder apparently, because you had everything to lose. I know Heather is going to find this and freak out. But let her. I don't care anymore. Please come crying to me Heather. You obviously don't need me as a friend as much as you say you do, because you are doing perfectly fine using Garth as my replacement every day. I'm upset, because obviously you needed a friend as much as i did... and now i have no one. thanks a lot.

*sigh*



Nothing works.

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Thursday, June 7, 2007

Lyrics.

I just want to say, i picked the worst genre of music to enjoy while going through a tough break up... it's like every song fits perfectly with my situation. I can't concentrate on my work, it's like the iPod is reading my emotions.

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Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Sad Pixels Make Up My Being.

Edit

SInce Heather broke up with me my life has become strange. It's funny, "when one life ends, another begins" the same can be said for love it seams. I learned today that Garth and her boyfriend Aaron are seriously thinking about marriage. To the point where they are looking at rings. Jealous? A little. But mostly excited for them. I used to lead a life that people could envy...now I keep my cell phone close at hand, with the pipe-dream that someone will call, but no one ever does. I force out a large turd for 8 hours a day that vaguely resembles a card, and have to call it solid gold.

Conversely, i have picked up where I left off on my internet presence:
- I gave my Blogger header an overhaul yesterday. The rest still looks like crap, but it's the very small first step in the right direction.
- my MySpace got a makeover the other day. just today MySpace changed a couple things. nothing major from what i can tell though.
- facebook just added causes, gifts, "graffiti" and other things to it's interface.


A new one to the mix is "i'm in like with you.". an online "flirting" site. Here is my page. It has a beautiful interface. Pretty easy to use and an interesting concept. Right now it runs slightly slow but that might be because it is still in it's early versions. I was able to get in on the Beta. If for some reason it tells you, you are unable to join, and you would like to, let me know, i have some invitations they sent me. I guess i am still about a half step above online dating.



the constant competition between these communities is hilarious.

one day i'll be happy. but that day isn't today.

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Thursday, May 31, 2007

When Someone Had It Right All Along.

Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance? (chance?)
Or only one way that it was always meant to be (be)
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain (vain)
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means (means)
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
(Know what you want to say)
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant

I can't help it baby, this is who I am (am)
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel (feel)
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away




Someone once told me this song reminded them of me. Now it reminds me of them.

Life is never easy, and 'I just can't walk away' now.

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Tuesday, April 24, 2007

*sigh*



neat!

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Monday, April 23, 2007

My Greatest Sin

So i traded in my bibles and earlier morning church services, for sleeping in and McDonald's breakfasts... i feel pretty guilty about it every morning. i don't know if i will ever get over it either. I don't think i will ever do anything to change it though.

today was a good sunday. after mcdonalds breakfast, and some much needed conversation, we had shish-kabobs and smores... from a grill neither of us knew how to use. i got a hair cut (and i have to say it looks pretty darn good), played with riley, did some laundry. obviously, the grilling with heather was the best part.

last night was the decemberists concert. amazing musicians. missed it? go here. this is the definition of irony. this conversation starts out. "this is why i really hate you tube. situations like this." Colin seems like a really cool level headed dude.

My birthday is next weekend... yey... i'm not really that thrilled... we will see what goes on that weekend. i'm supposed to get my tattoo... but i haven't been thinking about it enough to have a design ready.

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Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Too Little, Could Be Too Much: A Mystery

I'm worried I started to like Sex in the City too much. And then I find myself watching American Idol. But I know I'm still straight because i am finding the most entertaining part of the show Gwen Stefani. HOT.

A good relationship to me is a good mix of friendship and romance. I also find my relationship with Heather to be like Carrie and Aiden. Carrie shouldn't have ended up with Mr. Big... Great, now I'm relating my life to Sexy in the City... This is Heather's fault. Haha.

Currently, I am solving a mystery of the stolen designs. So how close is too close when you are "borrowing ideas"?

puppies!

that is all.

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Time Spent in Space is Lovely

sometimes i hate myself. i can't bare to look at myself. but thats why it's good to have a girlfriend that so wonderful.

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Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Defeating the Dragon King of the Orient (Season 1 Episode 9)

I never know how to start off these posts. I want to start writing something compelling and poetic, like the narration in the beginning of a "Sex and the City" episode. Sadly, I have been watching Sex and the City every day. That's what girls should like right? I feel like everyday, I make it an effort to be more of a perfect guy. Do you think anyone really appreciates it? I wish I could answer that, I don't think so though. I know Heather does sometimes. She makes me a happy guy.
I am losing weight (i can't really correct my looks otherwise).
I have a good amount of money that I offer to spend when I can help out.
I like to think I am funny.
I am pretty good at my job.
I appreciate things that girls like (i.e. Sex in the City, Chic Flicks, gossip, etc).
I appreciate things that dudes like (i.e. sports, electronics)
I do my best to be sweet and courteous and do things just to make a someone smile.
But, with all of this, people and things still hang over my head of being better then me. Looking better, designing better, everything. There is one guy... that bugs me so damn much. SO MUCH! I don't know if I can ever out do him. Really, I don't know if I have to... but it would make me feel better if I knew in my mind I was.

I bought an iPod. Obviously, that was a dangerous thing for me if you have any idea how much I love music. Currently I have 7121 songs on my iTunes and unfortunately I am slowly running out of space on my computer. I will probably have to start making space. Maybe delete World of Warcraft? ugh. I really hope I would never want to play again because it would be a pain to reinstall. But having the iPod turned me into one of "those guys" always walking around with headphones in my ears... I mean it's just so damn convenient. I know... welcome to the 21st century. I'm sure the novelty will run out eventually. But who knows how long it could be.

We here have has a string of visitors here in Kansas City. And by we, I mean Heather, and we merely observed when it was convenient for us. Last week, from Monday afternoon until Friday morning, Heather's good friends Greg and Megan were up. It was really nice getting to know them. I guess it would be nice to know Heather's friends huh. They are awesome people just looking for a good time in KC,Mo (and maybe a job). So Heather got her "spring break". This week, here parents are here. I am respecting her space, and giving her time to hang out with her parents with as little interruption as she wants. Because of this, I haven't seen her outside of work since Friday at lunch. It's hard. When you really like a person (it helps that she is easy to look at too), it's hard not to see them a couple times a week. I feel like we are thousands of miles away. Will this help us grow stronger?

I hope some one comes to visit me soon.

On the opposite end up friends coming to visit... Kristen is leaving. I just started to become "pretty OK" friends with her and she is moving to NYC. It sucks. But we all have to say, we would do the same thing in her situation (or possibly even in a less comfortable situation).

I started to sketch out my tattoo tonight. I guess I am really going to go through with it. My idea might be a little complicated, so we will see if it happens on the date planned, but my hopes are to have it done other the weekend of my birthday. Just in time for summer. I will upload an image when i have a more final looking version together.

I wish I had something profound to say in closing as well... but i don't, so move on. Peace.
-Josh

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Thursday, February 22, 2007

Confusing Fantasy For Reality

My body is tired but my mind won't let it rest.

Life is tough. Don't ever let anyone else tell you otherwise. Things like work, love, friendship, health... they are all plagues of the soul. Ok, I admit, I am being cynical, but thats how I feel all of the time. Lately, I have felt really beside myself. There are just so many things racing around inside my head, mostly one thing, but I know I shouldn't think about it as much as I do. I am the typed of person that likes to get stuff finished, and be the best, I don't like to leave an open end, or an incomplete task laying before me. Unfortunately, I am also the type of person that can never seem to do things right. I know, I know I am bitching. It sounds like a classic case of "sandy vagina" syndrome. But the problem is, it's all I can think about. How I can't be good enough at work, how I am a shitty boyfriend. And the worst part of it is, maybe by other standards I might be pretty good... Designing cards is tough. You really want to stand out. Be "that guy". But it doesn't just fall into your lap like that does it. I can't think of good ideas, but they will come I'm sure. As for love, or whatever it is I'm feeling. I feel the same way; that no matter what I do, I'm not going to be exactly what "they" are looking for. I want to say I have everything I have always wanted; a good job, a girlfriend, close friends, my own place and a loving family that I don't have to see everyday. The problem is, it's all in shambles, constant disarray. It's like having a puzzle, in a box, sitting right in front of you. All the pieces are the same color, shape and size. All you have to do is put it together. Now you're fucked.

SHIT! I mean I need an outlet, but I know I need to watch what I say here. It's so easy to get a jaded opinion or an eavesdropper. I just want to be happy.

So Lost... Someone once told me "it's like a swift kick to the face." Almost every episode I think I can agree with that. As for this one, I feel like they gave you a huge run around about Jacks tattoos, only to truly answer you in the last 15 minutes about what they mean. I hate filler. I haven't checked up on my "nerd site," but I'm sure the "Losties" all felt the same.

I believe I am rambling now. I am getting a little run down, so maybe I can finally sleep. I am sorry about the bitching... I am going to try and make this blog slightly more "professional" from here on out.

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