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Thursday, March 27, 2008

What We Want (From Life)

Ever feel like you are one of those contestants on American Idol, that all your life people were telling you how great you were at something (beause no body had the heart to tell otherwise) until you are on national television and some snob finally tells you how much you actually suck? I feel like that all the time. Especially today.

As of late, i have been in a really shitty mood. I just can't seem to shake this foul attitude. So, i am going to steal from Bess, what she stole from her friend Kim, and do a list of things that make me happy, in hopes that i will drive out some of the negativity... i will be honest, before i start on the list... i have been trying to think of some ever since last night and i've been having some trouble. So that sorta gives you an idea the mood i am in. But i have been putting some serious thought into what kind of things bring a smile to my face despite my mood. If you stick around and read you might learn something about me that you didn't know (that is if you care).

Here it goes...
-driving with the windows down.
-going downhill on a bike.
-the ticking of an analog clock.
-singing like no body's listening.
-pretending to be in a band.
-waking up to the sun
-over the top action scenes (mostly hand-to-hand).
-excellent customer service.
-having someone watch me play video games.
-a good hook to a song.
-free stuff.
-vitamin water.
-letting the windows open to here the rain
-looking for "Orions Belt" (the constellation)
-making out.
-Jones Soda
-making dinner for two
-Frisky Dingo
-Less Than Jake
-making someone laugh until they cry.
-buying things for someone for no reason.
-onion rings
-having a steady paycheck
-cold room/warm sheets

i have to say this did make me feel a little better. thanks.
maybe i'll add more later.

"Happy man, he's mad at the world."

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Tuesday, March 25, 2008


Such is life.

i'll post when i see something worth posting i guess...

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Wednesday, March 19, 2008

I Write On An Angle



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Monday, March 17, 2008

Pantone 7491

Earlier, i had a full post about how things are really stressful right now for me. And well pretty much just down right suck. However, I promised myself i wouldn't post about nonsense like that on this blog anymore (unless i do it creatively. haha.)

Here is a list of some stuff that happened this weekend:
- got rid of a ton of recycling
- got offered a job at a recycling place.
- met Lindsay's boyfriend at his surprise party.
- had an uplifting 2 and a half hour phone conversation
- saw Semi-Pro (it was pretty good).
- went to Palm Sunday service with Aaron's Dad.
- went to the Sweet Tomato.
- went to see Bodies Revealed at Union Station.
- did palates for the first time at 10PM Sunday.
- made custard.
Things that didn't happen?:
- go to the gym
- sulk
- shop at old navy
Lately, i have decided (for myself):
- St. Patrick's day is stupid. it's an excuse, not a holiday.
- you can't tell a person something they are willing to hear.
- i can't fix everything, even though i want to.
- finish "Body for Life"
- the heart is an organ to circulate oxygen throughout the body. it conveys no actual thoughts or emotions.
- people can be real douchebags even when they are not trying

Sorry for no fun stuff today. Maybe when work isn't so crazy it will be easier... but lately i haven't seen anything that is blowing my mind.

Thank you Lindsay for allowing me to come over and do laundry, and in turn, i didn't drink myself into a coma.

Love, Mr. Dusel

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Wednesday, February 27, 2008


Unfortunately, the month of February had to end with my Blogger account going haywire. Otherwise, things have been pretty good. I had to be different, and set up my account to be running off of my website, and now it has turned around to bite me in the ass. Blogger refuses to upload anything normally, and because of this i can't upload pictures at all. AND seeing how this blog depends almost solely on some sort of imagery, it kinda puts a damper on things. Google representatives have yet to respond to my thread i started in the help section, so i am left waiting. I have been testing the upload stream constantly to see if it has changed and since Monday/Tuesday when it went down... it hasn't. My patience is running low now especially with a long boring weekend ahead of me, i was hoping to blog a bit. My only other option, if this continues for too long, is to move to another blog (probably one without FTP upload). That just seems like such a hassle, so i'm not really interested in doing that... but i will. Ey, so the coffee i drank is wearing off. to bring spirits back up, i leave you with these videos. i hope this post works ok.


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Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The Back-Up Guy

I am lacking motivation. This week i was going to point out bad design... but i'm not sure i have the heart. I am not feeling cynical enough to tell people how bad they are. Besides, who am i to judge... i'm not the best designer in the world. I don't poop pantone colors and speak prefect kerning. So what does everyone think, lets take a vote, should i do a week of bad design? Thanks for reading.

Yours Truly,
Everyones Silver Medal,
Josh Dusel.

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Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Honor and Envy

Update: Heath Ledger was discovered naked and dead of a supposed drug overdose around 3:00PM EST in Mary-Kate Olsen's SoHo apartment. It's being suspected that it was suicide. He was only 28 and left a 2 year old girl... This is really tragic. Is there a possibility that Heath had a threesome with the Olsen twins and decided, now is a good time to go? Hopefully that wasn't in bad taste, because this is seriously a very sad situation.

Update: i freaking love and miss heath ledger.

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Friday, September 28, 2007

Defy Emotion

Through recent events i think i have become bi-polar. Some things just put me in such a good mood. and then others just bring me all the way back down. At least it's a beautiful, sunny Friday, and it's a pay day.

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Thursday, September 13, 2007

Fix It.

Last night was a school night. I didn't talk to anyone all night except for online. All i did was work on designs. It felt pretty good actually. It felt a lot like college. But, I was in a bitter mood, so thats how it all turned out. You can probably tell that I updated my blog a little bit, the same can be said for my website, sorta.

I took Bob's advice and went and got icecream last night. It sucks doing stuff by yourself, but it was kinda like what i pictured it to be if i moved out here and didn't know anyone.

I hate being a sensative guy, and i hate blogging about it. But it's easier to type up my anger and sorrow than it is to try and stumble over my words while talking it out with some one. I know some people think it's ridiculous to publicly display what ales you, but you aren't me, and this is what i'm comfortable with. Blogs are for whiney bitches.

If it's any conciliation, i feel slightly better today. Thank you to the people who tried to help yesterday.

(Yes, i forgot the "h". I will fix it when i get home. I was typing in anger at myself, and i am an awful speller.)

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Take Me Back To Happier Times (Because Today I Am a Failure).

Lately, I have gotten worse.

This morning i woke up in an awful haze. I can't blame it on the weather, because each day lately has been stunning and beautiful. I don't know whats doing it, but i feel miserable. I wasn't like this in the begining of the week, but as each day passed, things got worse. I feel as if by the weekend I will be locking myself inside my apartment.

This looming sadness just won't go away. I've tryed the things that typically make me happy.

It's not the first time i have felt like this, but some days you just wake up and hate your surroundings, your life, and possibly everything in it. This week, everyday has been like that, progressingly getting worse.

I wake up to a world that i feel like i may as well not be in. It's the days you feel like "if i wasn't here, nothing would be different".

How did i slip under this darkness and how do i climb out?

I feel my stature is constantly being judged but invisible juries. I'm not a good enough designer, a good enough friend, a good enough person. No matter what I do some days, i feel like i'm doing it wrong. I'm not content with anything, but i'm not doing anything to change it.

I have it bad.

I feel like i am forgetting all of the good times i once had, because it's clouded with visions of failure. It's days like this, I wish i could turn back time...

Help me out. I need advice.


Saturday, August 25, 2007

The Rest of the Story.

i'm sitting here and i can hardly feel my limbs. I feel as if i'm floating in place. Even my head is heavy on my neck. And as much as this sounds like a pleasant experience, i feel like i am the scum of the earth. Like life is just fucking with me. I looked at the clock a moment ago, and it was 11:11 again. I gave up on wishing long ago, because none of it ever comes true.

...I nodded off for a while...

Last night, while drunk, i wrote some things that i probably shouldn't have. I kept to as little detail as possible with exactly how i felt, but when if comes down to it, i still may have said too much. I didn't sleep well at all last night, worry about what i said, and what might have been going on outside of these four walls. To summarize what has happened in the last few days is actually very simple: I was bummed out because living out here just got harder, so i had a little to much to drink, and i drank my problems away. And if any of you know me, that's really not how i do things. The reality of it is it actually made me feel worse and i became a sniveling girl. There are some things i need to clear up in my head by either working them out on my own or talking to the appropriate people. I don't want to keep waking up mornings with bedfellows that will plague me the rest of the day. I need to use what has happened to me and allow it to make me a better person. It's either do or die this time. Lets hope not literally.


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Thursday, August 16, 2007

Free King

For the last five days or so, it has been surpassing 100 degrees here in Missouri. The days seem short, but the weeks seem long. I guess thats how summer moves...

I find it funny how, relatively speaking, things never really stay "good" for me. And I guess the same can be said for my "bad" times. I am the type of person that learns to cope, adjust and deal with what i have been dealt. Same can be said for almost everyone, I suppose. We all get used to our surroundings, and habits, and mindsets, until something comes along that messes with it. Whether it's bad or good, and the severity, determines that amount of time it would take you to adjust. Also, if you are trying to adjust to something that has brought you down, and you are on a slow upward battle to get back to "normal", little glitches in your so called "normal" seem so much bigger. Is my real problem that i have to be "better than normal" to be happy? When you taste happiness do you ever really want to go back to just "OK"? So, when "happiness" becomes your normal, then you reach for the next level of happiness. It's either that or, like me, something changes and you are back to where you began. All of the best things i can think of that happen to me, are soon taken away. If i would look at my life as a graph and my starting point for happiness were 0, you would find that I would pretty well even out back to 0 (most likely a little bit below). I guess thats not too bad, but it would be nice to be above the keel for once.

When you are angry on a cell phone, you can't quiet convey it the same way as when you have a phone with a receiver. You can't quiet flip the phone closed hard, or push the button angrily; sometimes you just wanna slam that shit out of that phone down on the hook. Down fall of technology.

Things I've learned about having a dog (Part Three):
- you never have to worry about picking up any food you have dropped.
- you get a lot of extra exercise.

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Friday, July 27, 2007

There Are No Bad Friends (They Aren't Friends at All)

I can't express how i feel about all of the concern i got from all of my friends today. I don't want to go into listing names of all the people that were so nice, but i seriously needed to know your support was there. Some people I felt had more compassion than others, but either way, thanks. Even though I still feel like shit, the fact that you came to me to see if i was alright (maybe just not dead), made me feel the exact opposite emotions i felt last night.
This also helped:

This is Pam's baby. Pam was my lead at Crayola. I had no idea she had this adorable little girl. I talked to her and my other lead today through e-mails. I figured maybe i would keep my name fresh in their minds if you know what i mean.

no happy hour today? thats actually probably for the best i guess. i couldn't concentrate at work today... i hope this passes.

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Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Crushing Blow.

I cried tonight. I cried for about a half an hour. I am broken. Who knew it could get any worse? Well, it did. I can't remember the last time i felt so awful. There is quite the story to go with this, but I'm not going to get into it. I called Garthy because i needed to tell someone. Thinking it was going to be a harmless conversation, thats when i broke down. Through tears and blood-shot eyes, i got down on my knees and prayed to God. I asked him to give me strength and to make things better. I felt weak and helpless... and i told Him so. I didn't know what else to do, and even though i felt guilty because i only come to God when i have a problems, i had to. At his point, getting out was the best think i could do. So, I went on a long walk down Westport to Blockbuster, and back. My heart physically hurt (and still does), and so did my head... By the time i had returned; i had spoken to many people, i was sweating, and i felt a little better. I was able to appreciate my situation a little better. I enjoyed the city by night, and actually felt like a resident — even though at the time i really just wanted to be anywhere else but Kansas City. The homeless people who stopped and asked for change reminded me how life could always be worse. After i signed back online, my friend Emily who i haven't spoke to in almost exactly a year IMed me and we proceeded to talk for hours. Was she God answering back? Whatever happened tonight... you'll have to ask me to find out... but i will never forget this time in my life for anything. I have never felt so alone in my life, but thank you to all the friends who are constantly there like Emily, and Garthy tonight. Keep me in you're prayers... i need them now more than ever...

"i dont think you want to hear this, but..."

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Saturday, June 16, 2007

Civil Arguement.

i felt as if i needed deserved an icey spirit lifter after a small feud Green and i had earlier. She brought me some nice baked goods and i ruined it by bringing up how upset i had been the past couple days. Last night i had made it a point to tell Green just how i was feeling because i had hoped it helped. But just as if we were still going out, she came back with something i had said to make her feel bad, and all of a sudden, i lost my own fight. gah. I can't do anything in my favor. So back to cleaning up the place, drinking my "shushy" and trying to see if i can spy the hot chic that lives next across the way. Garth will be here at 6 and we are going to talk over dinner.

also thanks to Kerchner (yeah another Heather, ha) for reading too.

anyone else who reads still let me know so i can thank you too.

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The Battle. The Defeat. The War.

Robot Chicken, the crazy action figure stop motion animation TV show is doing a full 30 minute special on Star Wars. Watch this clip and know why i am excited. SUNDAY played over and over again all night.

Upfront. I am pathetic, and low on confidence, so i come to the online communities for false affection because i can't get it in real life. But no such luck. this devils site, i'm in like with you has taken what i have left of my dignity and ground it into digital dirt. However, i am grateful for the people who actually read this blog. So thank you Jenna and Taylor for the confidence booster.

So, last night i was pretty angry. About the normal stuff, of course. I am almost over it now... ...yeah. But, seriously a ton of sleep should supposedly fix everything. After happy hour last night, i took at 2 hour nap, then woke up and watched "Bourne Supremacy" and a partial amount of "Never Say Never Again" (which is not an official Bond movie despite popular belief), played some Zelda, and watched UFO shows until eventually my eyes gave way and i passed out. This morning i slept until almost noon, totaling about 11 hours of sleep.

My plans for today are pathetic at best. I have to take back some movies to Blockbuster, I will probably rent a game in exchange, then i'll come back here and try and fix up the place. I have now made it my effort to have girls tour my pad that have never been here before. i need to look less like a slob in order them to tour the bedroom as well (if you know what i mean). if all works according to plan, this blog's content could take a turn for the worse... or better depending on how you look at it. Back on track, tonight i have plans loose plans for bowling, and dinner. i don't like how all my plans are loose.

loose plans sink ships...

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Sunday, June 10, 2007

Give Up, and Get Over It

When I moved out here I made the decision that I would give up my old life and start a-new. It's pretty easy to start over when you have nothing to remind you of your past. Not only that, when there is nothing terrible to leave behind, no bad memories, you have nothing to forget. A break up is different. The person is always there to remind you, if it's not the person, it's a thing, a place, a time. Next Monday, I would have been with Heather for 6 months. I guess I should be lucky it made it as long as it did. This Monday, will be a week from the time we broke up. I am making up my mind to move on, to get over it. Heather is putting forth good effort into keeping friends. She made me treats, she attempted to hang out, I am just being difficult. I guess in our history, though in a different context, this has happened before. I turned her down when she said she liked me, and i tried to stay friends with her. I can't be selfish here. Through all we had been through, i thought we might be meant for each other. However, i guess it never really was meant to be...

I wish i had something else to talk about. but i don't so deal with it. come back later when i have something less... bitchy

the story goes on.... for now.

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Computers Don't Talk Back

I feel like this is who i talk to when i'm upset now... everyone. this is really the wrong place for it, but i feel at easy just typing out my emotions here. it's probably best i just keep this page "design oriented". Yet, sadly, i think that will be a feet. I'll post later... going to the gym always give me a good hour to sort through problems.

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Saturday, June 9, 2007

The Secrets We Keep to Protect the Ones We Love

One thing that i really love, is hearing about new music. Even if the song is terrible i still love being the first to hear it. A couple of track that i have recently come across that deserve recognition are:
The Noisettes, a band i hadn't heard of until this point, have a song called The Count of Monte Christo. It's a catchy blue-grassy, toe-tapper... but don't take my word for it.
Along the same lines is the new Paul McCartney song, "Dance Tonight". If you get the chance, see the music video featuring Natalie Portman, directed by the same guy who did "eternal sunshine for the spotless mind".
Lupe Fiasco, Kanye West, Pharrell's combine effort "CRS" single dropped called Us Placers is HOT!
Lastly in music, is the playlist for Heather's Last CD. I'm not even sure why i still gave it to her... i is kinda "lovey" for post-break-up. It's a good mix though, you should check out all the tracks.


Ok, at first i was in a state of shock, and comfort for heather because she was crying. As time went by things changed. It's like going through the steps of losing a loved one or whatever. After Tuesday rolled around it had sorta set in that i wasn't going to go see her that night for TV or movies like we would normally do. I, like an obvious idiot made the attempt to made it easy on Heather and tell her good friends to take good care of her because she was going to need someone to hang out with more then ever. Who knew that less than a week later this would already have back fired in my face and made life even harder. THEN came Wednesday, and Heather and I had briefly spoke through e-mails, one of which concerning the movies we had rented and never watched before the break-up. I made the offering to her to come to my house to watch the movie, as well as bring Heather Garth along (to help keep the get-together less awkward). Garth and i talked that night about the situation. I am not one for confiding my feelings in others, i naively post them online for all to read or i bottle them up. I am just better at typing up my feelings.
... i am so upset i am shaking...
continuing on... when Garth and i talked we made loose plans to do breakfast on Saturday "for sure". You know, to keep us all friends. Obviously, that didn't work. Thursday came, and we watched the movie. The movie, "American Haunting", was not so good, don't rent it. The encounter was awkward. I couldn't bring myself to make eye contact with Heather. I later found out it's because i am slightly bitter about the break up. Heather did however bake me delicious strawberry tarts. Friday was just as bad. Bob and I were going out to lunch when we sawn Erin and Heather eating together. Erin saw me and gave a wave making me feel like if i didn't sit with them then i would be the bad guy. Lunch sucked. Friday night was excellent. Immediately after someone asked me if I would like to go Mini golfing i said yes. It was a blast. I had so much fun. Jaybo, Patti, Merkle, Cecilia, Melissa were the posse. The Heather's could have been part of it but they never showed up at happy hour. I don't think i would have had nearly as much fun if heather was there though. But several times though-out the night i did sit back and think about her. Melissa, the super hot, 32 year old, asian woman, made the night much more bearable. Only to come home to an empty bed. Today, i woke up hoping for that breakfast i was promised and i didn't get a response until after 11. Thats OK because typically we don't go until later anyhow, but Garth wasn't interested in breakfast today. She suggested dinner. Now, i was looking forward to breakfast, but i was satisfied with dinner. No plans were made, just loose ones again, stating the fact that instead of our friendly breakfast we were to have a friendly dinner. Grant it i did miss her call the first time, and then i called her back about 15/20 minutes later, and then she called me back around 5:45 or 6. By this time, according to the following plans she would be pressed for time to go to dinner. Now i would have been upset enough that she couldn't go to dinner, but i found that it was because she was going to a movie with Heather, i was slightly more upset. It must be terrible for Garth to be suck in the middle like this, trying not to choose sides... but maybe unwilling to her, she already has. I don't know why we couldn't all get along. but that wasn't for me to find out. now i sit in my apartment making it look better so maybe i can attract more ladies in because obviously, it's not going to work out for Heather and I.

While at WalMart i was reminded of all the things that used to make Heather and I happy. I was able to think of all the good times, as usual. Heather wasn't able to do that. She made it a point to bring up the big fight we had saturday and sunday night. She was taken down by one weekends time. YET, I put up with 6 months of on-again-off-again sex, friendship, and fighting, for the few good times i can remember from all the things i see everywhere. When you are the dumpee everything is harder apparently, because you had everything to lose. I know Heather is going to find this and freak out. But let her. I don't care anymore. Please come crying to me Heather. You obviously don't need me as a friend as much as you say you do, because you are doing perfectly fine using Garth as my replacement every day. I'm upset, because obviously you needed a friend as much as i did... and now i have no one. thanks a lot.


Nothing works.

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Thursday, June 7, 2007


I just want to say, i picked the worst genre of music to enjoy while going through a tough break up... it's like every song fits perfectly with my situation. I can't concentrate on my work, it's like the iPod is reading my emotions.

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Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Sad Pixels Make Up My Being.


SInce Heather broke up with me my life has become strange. It's funny, "when one life ends, another begins" the same can be said for love it seams. I learned today that Garth and her boyfriend Aaron are seriously thinking about marriage. To the point where they are looking at rings. Jealous? A little. But mostly excited for them. I used to lead a life that people could I keep my cell phone close at hand, with the pipe-dream that someone will call, but no one ever does. I force out a large turd for 8 hours a day that vaguely resembles a card, and have to call it solid gold.

Conversely, i have picked up where I left off on my internet presence:
- I gave my Blogger header an overhaul yesterday. The rest still looks like crap, but it's the very small first step in the right direction.
- my MySpace got a makeover the other day. just today MySpace changed a couple things. nothing major from what i can tell though.
- facebook just added causes, gifts, "graffiti" and other things to it's interface.

A new one to the mix is "i'm in like with you.". an online "flirting" site. Here is my page. It has a beautiful interface. Pretty easy to use and an interesting concept. Right now it runs slightly slow but that might be because it is still in it's early versions. I was able to get in on the Beta. If for some reason it tells you, you are unable to join, and you would like to, let me know, i have some invitations they sent me. I guess i am still about a half step above online dating.

the constant competition between these communities is hilarious.

one day i'll be happy. but that day isn't today.

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Tuesday, April 24, 2007



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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Straight to the Heart

CD Exchange Club 3 - I Hope You Like It.

if you don't have it... make it.

this cd is a goodbye. Kristen, goodbye. For a journey to New York.

i'm not really going to go into the VT tragedy today. I'm sure everyone has heard more about it then they would like to already. From the prospective of a person with a good friend that is a Hokie, it is a scary event. Please give a moment and pray for the lost and their families.

time to crawl into bed.

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Thursday, February 22, 2007

Silver Medal

I will always be second best in her eyes... and everyone else will be second best for me.


Confusing Fantasy For Reality

My body is tired but my mind won't let it rest.

Life is tough. Don't ever let anyone else tell you otherwise. Things like work, love, friendship, health... they are all plagues of the soul. Ok, I admit, I am being cynical, but thats how I feel all of the time. Lately, I have felt really beside myself. There are just so many things racing around inside my head, mostly one thing, but I know I shouldn't think about it as much as I do. I am the typed of person that likes to get stuff finished, and be the best, I don't like to leave an open end, or an incomplete task laying before me. Unfortunately, I am also the type of person that can never seem to do things right. I know, I know I am bitching. It sounds like a classic case of "sandy vagina" syndrome. But the problem is, it's all I can think about. How I can't be good enough at work, how I am a shitty boyfriend. And the worst part of it is, maybe by other standards I might be pretty good... Designing cards is tough. You really want to stand out. Be "that guy". But it doesn't just fall into your lap like that does it. I can't think of good ideas, but they will come I'm sure. As for love, or whatever it is I'm feeling. I feel the same way; that no matter what I do, I'm not going to be exactly what "they" are looking for. I want to say I have everything I have always wanted; a good job, a girlfriend, close friends, my own place and a loving family that I don't have to see everyday. The problem is, it's all in shambles, constant disarray. It's like having a puzzle, in a box, sitting right in front of you. All the pieces are the same color, shape and size. All you have to do is put it together. Now you're fucked.

SHIT! I mean I need an outlet, but I know I need to watch what I say here. It's so easy to get a jaded opinion or an eavesdropper. I just want to be happy.

So Lost... Someone once told me "it's like a swift kick to the face." Almost every episode I think I can agree with that. As for this one, I feel like they gave you a huge run around about Jacks tattoos, only to truly answer you in the last 15 minutes about what they mean. I hate filler. I haven't checked up on my "nerd site," but I'm sure the "Losties" all felt the same.

I believe I am rambling now. I am getting a little run down, so maybe I can finally sleep. I am sorry about the bitching... I am going to try and make this blog slightly more "professional" from here on out.

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Friday, February 2, 2007


i'm not sure if i can ever be truely happy... i always find a way to make myself miserable.